Key Answers to life Questions about Men

[Graehstone]

KEY ANSWERS TO LIFE QUESTIONS ABOUT MEN
(as answered by a man)

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the griping and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS OGLE OTHER WOMEN?
Again, the testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well...they're just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES,
ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partners frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if you got into trouble every time you opened it.
6. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE?
Please...How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...Men hunters...Need go roam...Must go find wildebeast. Now, sitting on our butts all day, on the other hand, is a different story.
8. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
9. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character flaw. It's not easy to admit to one's character flaws.
10. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
11. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darned well you'll pick it up if we wait long enough.
12. WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

There, that just about covers the most important ones I think. 8)

[Lora, Archer, & Kira]

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in
complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical".

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some
pretty darn soon."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."

Means: Absolutely nothing.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES"

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
it will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."

[sweetie&meli]

u guys are crazy lolol

[Joel]

OK NOW, will someone please post the quips about the gals??? Heck, I believe in equal "digs" too along with equal pay for equal work etc......

[Lora, Archer, & Kira]

I'll see what else is in my email...

[Lora, Archer, & Kira]

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS: Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.