Boyfriends I swear.. RANT! (SO LONG)

[failurebydesign]

Okay so we have been together 11 months, everything was perfect for the first 6 months I mean PERFECT, I was sure this was the guy I was going to be with.

One day I stumble across his facebook
(right at 6 months together, and a few days after MY B-DAY!)
and find he had been conversing very perversely with an ex gf.
Well just this one sentance kind of sums up the whole happening
Dylan: "We should screw once for old times sake"

Okay so to make things short I forgive him and we try to move past but I have never trusted him the same since.
After that I look through his texts, make him get rid of facebook and myspace, and I do the same for my pages.

Just recently have I stopped snooping through his stuff. Because of a fight.
It's hard but I am trying to make things better. I still don't trust him though..

Well back to the event, shortly after he's depressed for various reasons the major one being his job, so I tell him to quit and come work with me bathing my dogs, I am a dog groomer..
Now our bank accounts are together and we have an even share of everything.

I'm really regretting this though now. It's like he thinks we spend every second together so we shouldn't have "quality time"
I guess to him our quality time is the fact that we live and work together.

We've been fighting alot lately, and I think he is just so mean to me, it seems almost on purpose.
I give up and quit arguing and he chases me around the house yelling at me, saying just a bunch of uncalled for mean things even after I tell him I don't even want to argue about it.

We can't afford counseling, no insurance,
and I'm starting to think I am not even in love with him any more. I find myself thinking about dating other people quite often now, and it makes me feel so guilty.
And no I don't even talk to other guys, and I don't go out, so I'm not putting myself out there or anything I can't really help these thoughts.

I feel like I am "holding on" to past memories and the few good times we have.
Our relationship CAN BE soooo good. But it's just....not
I feel like I'm waiting for it to change but nothings happening.

Also I have a problem trying to fight with him about money, I am paranoid about not having money, and he's not.. so there's arguments about that,
well I have been holding back but created a small argument about it yesterday.
I've been trying to get us to go out and do things together even though we have little money, because fixing our relationship is important to me.

I feel like I am trying and he is not. If I tell him to get off the computer to spend time with me he gets mad and starts telling me I am full of myself everything cant be about me etc.
This goes back to him thinking we spend alot of time together because we live and work together..

I'm a little sensitive, more than usual right now, It's that time of the month after all
and he knows that,
and he's still yelling at me today because I want to spend time with him rather than sit next to him while he is on the computer until it's time for him to go to school...

I am thinking about moving out...


I am heartbroken! Help :(

[Jag]

First off, trust your gut. You already stated clearly in your post what you want to do. Now you just need to do it. Second, NO guy should be yelling at you. You're not two. There's a clear lack of respect there. This isn't what I'd call a healthy relationship. You already said you can't trust him... which I don't blame you for. So when do you think that's going to change? There are lines that each person has where if someone crosses it, the trust is destroyed. You're not married with kids... so why do you want to work so hard to try to 'save' something that sounds like it's not a good environment for you?

I've NEVER yelled at my wife. (Unless I'm yelling 'for' her) I can't imagine doing that. Let me tell you, we've been to hell and back, too. Can you honestly imagine how things would be if life REALLY got rough?? I can tell you from experience that any person who runs around yelling at you had the *potential* to be violent. You're not being treated right... so end it. The sooner, the better. There are plenty of people out there who 'do' know how to treat someone with respect. You'll find one. He isn't one of them.

Good luck, and I hope you're feeling better and out of this situation very soon! Don't feel like you're cornered...because you're not. There is a way out. It's right in front of you.

[Valo's Moirana]

my advice/ thoughts?

you rushed into this thing way too fast - moving in, working with, and having common finances with somebody you don't trust is doomed for failure before the start..... and 11 months is NOT a long time to judge if it's gonna work or not

here's my short version of advice: no point in trying to make it work, if you don't trust each other. working and living together is a lot - even for a well established couple. too much time together, too much potential for frustration. first thing i would do, is find a situation where you don't work together... most important thing. then go over finances - there's a german saying that is loosely translated as "strict balances, good friends". make sure you know what's coming in, how much each contributes to what, and what's your individual spending money (no questions asked about that). then you should have more peace of mind to work on your trust issues - stop snooping. it's not going to help you with anything... it might be tempting, but it ruins everything. also, you can spend some time together after work - talk about your day etc, if you don't work together

[ThreeX]

Well, to put it blunt.. If you don't see the writing on the wall and/or read between your own lines.. i dunno, i guess you're beyond hope.
Trust me, been there, done that have t-shirt *and* badge..
(I'm a guy btw but thankfully that doesn't keep me from seeing the solution in neon.)

[kali]

I think we can all see it. Get rid of him, he sounds like he's not worth it at all. Any guy who says that to his ex would be immediately out on the street in my books. Go get your money out of the account, and kick him out onto the couch or spare room until he can move out.

[mommaof3]

Girl I can tell you from experience a cheating spouse is the worst but you have to have faith. But you also have to look at it in an overall sense, the fighting is hard. And the more you fight about little things the less likely it is that things can be worked out. If you have both said you were going to work past the situation you can't keep dwelling on it. Since our "differences" we have worked through all of our other minor issues, which were few and far between. And we rarely fought or fight about anything, we have found common interests that we both enjoy and all of that. But the entire situation has to be worth improving to actually improve. If it isn't why bother? All of the things you have listed combined make for a messy break up waiting to happen. If you love him then by all means try to work it out, but if you don't then why try? And if you want to work it out you have to understand that it is going to take time,patience,and work on both parts. If I were you I would just ask what he thought of your current relationship situation. He may be feeling the same way and just doesnt know how to tell you. My husband and I have journals that we write down the feelings we can't express in words. And when we write something in it for the other person we leave it out for them to read. Kinda childish but it works for us. And it's nice to find the journal out and it be something nice too.

[LovelySydney]

Mommaof3 I LOVE your journaling idea. That is such a unique way to communicate, I love it.


Oh boy where to begin. Number one, you need to get separate bank accounts. You have only been together 11 months - this is WAYYYYY too soon to be sharing money. Second, in my opinion you moved entirely too fast. You started dating, you moved in, got a joint account - now he is verbally abusing you and you have nowhere to go. My bf and I have been together a little over 3 years. We moved in together after 2 years. I loved my independence #1 and #2 we needed to make absolutely sure that we were strong enough to live with one another. I dont care what anyone says, moving in with someone can completely change/test your relationship and if you aren't ready for it and aren't prepared to deal with the changes that come along well, than you fall apart and FAST.


Sounds to me like youve already made up your mind, now you just have to act on it. Do you mind me asking how old you two are? That also makes a difference. I am 25 but if I have learned anything about relationships (and I have been in some relationships that have helped me grow as a person BIG TIME) my advice would be that if you know you arent happy, and you feel you are doing everything in your power to be happy than GET OUT and dont waste time staying in, being unhappy. I spent 8 months in a relationship just because I thought things would get better and I felt we could just keep "working on it" and eventually we would be OK. What did I learn from that? People dont change and you cant force change. When I finally left that relationship I entered a new chapter in my life and I can honestly say the weight that was lifted off my shoulders was profound. I no longer was putting all my energy into something that deep down I knew wasn't right and never was going to be right. Please dont stay in something because you think things will change. Sure, there's always a chance of that happening but if the two people dont want it NOTHING will change.


We all want love and we all want to find love and be loved and find our forever but sometimes that road is hard and paved with many stones that we need to callous our feet with. If you leave this relationship, leave knowing that you will find someone you are meant to be with, someone who is your best friend and lover and everything you ever thought a person can be. Don't delay because you feel you are stuck or you feel things can change. True love is out there, I have faith that you will find it

[mommaof3]

Well said LovelySyndney.

And she is right, don't stay just because you feel that things will be get better. When my husband and I dated we RUSHED things, we didn't get joint bank accounts but we moved in together after THREE days, and started planning a baby after 12 days. And were actively trying, and succeeded (I was also 18 and in LOVE). But when reality set in is when we had the issues. He cheated we broke up and I left without even looking back. The night we split up I went into pre-term labor and almost lost the baby, I had thought about just telling him that I did and move on for good. I was so hurt and he was going to Iraq and when he got back was going to be sent back to the states for another base. And I would be home free. But I knew that was wrong, and we split up. I didn't initiate contact, but gave him my contact info, in case he wanted to find out about his baby. We didn't speak until a month before I had our son, and we have been SOLID ever since. We rushed into things and we knew it, but our love was real. We just had to be comfortable being alone with ourselves to be able to understand it. Not all things happen this way. But sometimes things can turn out the way you want.

[failurebydesign]

I don't feel "stuck" at all.
I mean if anything I feel bad for him because I told him to work with me, and I can "fire him"

All the money we make is the same amount of money I made on my own, and the same amount of money I will make if I leave this.. Minus all his bills, so I will feel rich in that aspect lol.

I had a huge amount of love for him before my trust was broken, and even after, which is why I stayed. I'm afraid to get hurt by him like that again.

We moved way too fast and I regret that now, I knew him maybe a year before we started dating, but didn't know him well by any means. We spent every day together for the first few months of our relationship which is why I just ended up moving in with him.
This is his house, he owns, but I can certainly find an apartment or mobile home to live in.

I have thought quite a few times about ending this, he tells me he has never thought about it..

We have our bank account together since he came to work with me and all the checks are in my name, the bank account is mine as well.

I'm not "stuck" my feelings are the only think keeping me around. I just keep hoping things will go back to the way they are but how in the world can I get us back there...

I like the journal idea and a friend of mine told me about it when the whole "facebook situation" came up, I mentioned it but never said "hey lets do this" because I felt kind of stupid about wanting to do it in the first place..

I am 21 and have been on my own since I was 18, I moved to Alabama from Michigan by myself.

I feel like if I do end it I may regret it later on because when we aren't fighting we are so perfect together. And when we aren't going through rough times we hardly fight.

I wish we could go to counseling... ugh
I feel stupid for talking about it on a bird forumlol

[failurebydesign]

I would like to just take a step backward and have him get a new job, and me move out and just "see each other" but I don't think that works out, and he says that is the same as breaking up.

He is in school in the biotechnology field and has a year until he graduates, we are suppose to buy a new house then as well.
He has an internship coming up in maybe January, I forget.
Which is why we haven't been looking for another job for him even though we are struggling.