How soon is too soon?

[magdalena]

For those of you who have lost birds, how long did it take you to get another? I know we are all different and grief times will vary, I guess I'm trying to gauge myself and what to expect. I really miss having a grey, it's just not the same here without one. LB is irreplaceable but for those who have lost a bird and brought home another of the same species (or even a different species) how long did you wait and do you think waiting helped or did you feel once you brought your new bird home it was too soon.

I'm not looking (well I'm looking but I'm not touching so to speak, just looking at greys makes me feel a little better) since I'll have my hands full with the new lory next week but I know I won't feel complete without a grey again after having one, even though it was only for just over two years. My birthday is in 3 months and I'm trying to predict I guess whether that's long enough or not. 3 days seems too long right now but then I feel guilty like I'm trying to taint LB's memory somehow. Since I don't work there's a 12 hour empty space here though my U2 is getting the extra love (I pooped him out all weekend trying to keep myself occupied, he actually napped heh).

I suppose I'll see how insane the house gets with a U2 and a lory but I did want to ask for others' experiences.

[mmr]

it isn't the answer you probably want to hear, but ultimatly it is all up to you! Youw ill know when you are ready! Take your time to grieve first.

[magdalena]

I think my problem is I'm not a griever I'm a misser. I cried for days, we had the ceremony on Sunday but by that point I was done being sad about the death and just am missing LB now. I know another grey won't be LB but I think I have some attachment or abandonment issues and now that what I was attached to is gone I need to put that bond to something else. Maybe I should get a stuffed animal parrot?

I guess I have a very Buddhist approach to death so the grieving I have done was for myself not for LB. I think of her flying free somewhere and am happy. Maybe that seems wrong to some people but I consider the body as our shell and the soul goes somewhere better (let's hope). I've been reading a lot on grieving and I just don't seem to be doing it or doing it right. That makes me feel guilty too. The stages of grief are supposed to be:

1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

I went from 1 then to 4 then 5 in a matter of days and sort of ended up back at being sad. Is that unhealthy or is it just different for everyone? My boyfriend skipped 1 and stayed at 2 for a while and now is at 4. He'll probably stay at 4 for years, he is very sensitive. I guess I am not? Or I accept that I can't change things so I don't let them consume me, maybe moving on too fast is not good or maybe it's just the way I am. I wish there was a guidebook or something.

[mmr]

We all grieve in different ways. There is not right or wrong way to grieve.

You said you are getting a lory next week? I would focus on him/her for now. Then wait and see.
Like I said you yourself will know what you need and when than any other person!

[magdalena]

Yeah the lory was already coming before all of this happened and I just didn't have the heart to give him up (especially after looking for so long). Maybe it will be a good thing though.

[red192]

I agree with MMR, the only thing I lost to death is a parakeet and that hurt bad enough and lost a Conure to escape. I know what it's like to lose a cat n dog and horse even but I'm not ready to lose my feather dusters. When your is ready you will know.

[hollyhawkz]

Oh Sweetie,

No this is normal... I am certified in grief counselling. It is absolutely normal to jump around like that. It is confusing because it is written in stages like you will pass from one step to another, however that is so very far from the truth. The process ebbs and flows like the ocean, and can take six months to several years.

Don't transfer the love or the grief to another in your care. They are individuals. Your grief for one should not take away from your love for the other.

Our hearts can be eternal springs of love and hope. Where better to spend that love, than on your new Lory? It will never mean that you have taken away or diminished in any way from the love you had for Little Bird.

We do have a guidebook, it is our personal faith and our hearts...

Tell your boyfriend, well wishes and peace, light and laughter to him.

It sounds like you are doing fine.... and I don't think another grey in the future (whatever time line that might be) is out of line.

[Lisa B]

My loss was a bit different knowing he was sick for 6 weeks....
my stages were(and I can remember it like yesterday)

#3...Bargaining...Bargaining...Bargaining...the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you please do this?"
# 1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
(I did not want to talk to ANYONE who had a healthy grey. I felt I was done wrong)
#4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
# 2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. Anger because the bargening did not work.
#1 and #4 followed me throughout the process.

#5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

I lost 35 lbs in 6 weeks when Sampson was sick. I lived on Zanex for a while afterwards. Remember, I have no human children. He was the one that was supposed to be with me for the rest of my life. It was not fair.

I almost immediately started looking for a grey. I spent hours on the computer looking every day. I found one in Clinton and well, when I wrote to the person I did not ask price. My only concern was HEALTH.
The breeder told me that was what impressed him. All's I wanted was a grey that wouldnt leave me again. We drove up (about 500 miles each way) to visit this baby, and my husband(boyfriend at that time) said to Sydney, Little bird, you have some big shoes to fill"...I did nothing but cry.

Shortly after Emma came into my life, and it was only via the net.
I then had my fathers greys come to stay with me due to his illness, and once they were settled in thier new lives, Emma came home.

I had so much action around me, that I had no idea what was going on.
However, are any of them Sampson? No. I still miss him. My family now, has surrounded the hole in my heart, and made it smaller, but it will always be there, or should I say, Sampson will always be there too.

Its what makes us human. we love the beings below the feathers or fur, and when they leave us, it hurts.

[magdalena]

Ok I feel less guilty about my grey window shopping online now thanks Lisa! And thanks Hollyhawk for your grief info.

[Abby]

I'm just going to back up what others have said. Grief is such an individual thing and that's not just from person to person but even circumstance to circumstance.

I lost an RB2 to PBFD close on 20 years ago. It was only the end of last year that knowing how much my son wanted one I accepted another into the house and I have to say she's been such a joy having around.

When my sunny girl died I wasn't ready but her partner was so after 6 months I got another girl for him. She's another one that has just captured my heart. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have waited so long. I was grieving but Diego was ready to move on. In the end it was putting my own stuff aside and considering his feelings.

In both these circumstances it was the right bird that reached out to me and I just knew that they were right. This might happen to you tomorrow or it might be years. Only you will know that feeling when it's time.