Sunset

[perchingbird]

My sun Anor has set.

I made the decision to put him down Sunday night. He was only 11 years old.

He took a fall Sunday afternoon, and wouldn’t put weight on his left side at all. He looked in pain, with eyes half-mast, moving his head in odd little jerks occasionally. I took him to our avian vet for an emergency visit, and by the time the vet arrived at the clinic Anor was standing up again, enjoying head pets. The vet said nothing was broken, listened to his heart, took his weight. We discussed weaning him off of Phenobarbitol, a medication to control/prevent the strange seizure-like twitches he experienced last April. Two days of constant twitching on his right side, uncontrollable, while he sat there and cried. The Phenobarb tends to impair muscle use, so we figured maybe he’d regain strength if he was off it. The cause of the seizures was never determined.

Anor had a long history of illness. He had multiple episodes of drastic weight loss seemingly over night, anemia, blood count was off, and he was very weak and tired. He has had this same pattern repeat itself in 5/06, 9/06, 4/08, 5/08, 8/08, and 11/08. We suspect an auto-immune disorder, but have no confirmation. The seizures were new last April, and he never fully recovered from them. He couldn’t hold on to much of anything, his right leg had no strength in it. He rarely played with me, the old head-bob games and peek-a-boos a thing of the past. He didn’t bathe willingly anymore, was impatient with cuddling, rarely ate his pellets and survived on hand-feeding formula given fresh every morning. But he was still excited whenever we came home.

I digress. We took him home after his vet visit Sunday, partially frustrated at pulling the vet away from his life for a “false alarm”. I've wondered often if Anor learned to fake being sick so he could get super-attention (incubator, hand-fed, etc). Anor, however, was apathetic. He didn’t want to go to his cage, unusual for him. He didn’t want cuddles. He didn’t want anything. I set him inside his Happy Hut, and he didn’t crawl around. Around 7 pm he started crying, a strange hoarse sound. I put him in his sick cage, a clear plastic thing with towels on the bottom, and kept him near me so I could monitor him. The crying stopped, but he started laying over again like his left side hurt. By 9 pm his left side started seizing. Every. Second. He. Twitched. I gave him an increased dose of his Phenobarb, hoping to stem the tide of the muscle contractions, to at least bring him some relief. By 10 pm he was crying out with every twitch. We took him to a 24-hour clinic, and I told them to end it.

I wish he had been calm. I wish he had been happy, relaxed, and loved, instead of anxious and in pain and suffering. I wish I didn’t have to decide to kill him. I’ll feel that pain the rest of my life. He had no quality of life, but it still feels horrible. Monday I felt a sick relief at not having this unknown sickness anymore, like someone that cares for a terminally ill patient feels a guilty relief when it is finally over. Yesterday I sobbed randomly throughout the day. Today… today I’m afraid to drive anywhere lest I wreck the car.

The house is empty. His cage is cleaned, disinfected with bleach. I’ll be getting some kennelsol to disinfect the cage again, and clean all his toys and perches and bowls. I have photos of him when he was healthy and when he was sick. The hole in my heart will never fully go away, I know this from losing my ‘tiel (she was 13, and had a blockage in her proventriculus. Cancer, or something else. The operation to save her would have killed her).

The house is empty. I’ve wanted to add a bird to my flock for over a year, but was afraid that what Anor had might be contagious. I didn’t want to bring in another bird and have the same wasting illness strike it too. I couldn’t afford that (Anor’s vet bills cost about $2K a year). And now my house is empty. I’ve had a bird in my life since I was a baby. My mother’s parakeet, my own cockatiel (15, died in 1999), raised her babies, kept a baby (13, died in 2005), and Anor. But it is empty, empty, and the silence makes the grief worse.

I watch Beth's videos of her yellow-sided Green cheeks (pamperedpeeps.com), wishing she had a baby available. The house is empty, and it needs life. You can never replace one that is lost, never. But others help you heal. Bring joy back. End the silence.

For now, though, the house is empty.

[expressmailtome]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Matt

[asulli]

I was moved to tears by the pain that you reflect in your posting. I am so very very sorry for your loss and the sorrow you must be feeling. By your words I know that Anor was very much loved. I also know that it is hard to make such a decision, but I think he must have told you that it was time and because you loved him so much you had to let him go. Anor is now in a place where he can fly free, no pain, just blue skies and rainbows. He is in the company of so many other birds that are loved and remembered by their parronts. As you say, Anor will never be replaced, but I hope soon your days will be brightened by the sound of another lovely companion. RIP little Anor, you are loved and remembered.

[LovelySydney]

Im so sorry for your loss - I hope you find solace knowing you were the best fid mom you could be for 11 years!!! That is a milestone in itself, and I know your little one knew love and compassion and a wonderful life. ((hugs)) I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[tabooh]

So sorry for your loss. R.I.P wee baby, just so sad.

[BIG MACAW]

Sorry for your loss my condolences

[Lisa B]

I'm tearing up as well. it hits close to home, and your pain and love apparent. i am sorry for your loss.

[RockysMom]

It's hard to explain to people at work why your crying! My heart breaks for you! In time you'll find a new FID to fill your home with noise again! I will keep you in my thoughts.

[RLKBLK]

very sorry for your loss, having lost our bird (romeo) little over a week ago
I feel your pain, having the wonderful support from members on this site has helped me alot, hopefully it will do the same for you.

[perchingbird]

Thank you all for your words. I'm not sure why sharing grief helps, but for some reason it does. It lets the deep sting lessen a little, so memories can turn more to fond wistfulness.